As far back as I can remember, I’ve suffered with depression and anxiety. I can remember as a small child constantly being in fear of what was going to happen every minute. With both hereditary and trauma related mental illness, I’ve suffered most days of my life. It’s a constant struggle to get out of bed, to function, to just breathe. But I force myself to. I force myself to do things that are hard, to be a participating member of society, and to go to therapy to work through my trauma. I’m here to share my stories of trauma, abuse, depression, and suicide in hopes that you may feel a little better about your own journey in knowing that you’re not alone.
I have suffered through my parent’s and friend’s suicides. I’ve suffered abuse at the hands of my parents, my partners, my friends, and people who should have helped protect me. I’ve suffered my own suicide attempts and struggle every day with suicide ideation and keeping myself alive. I’ve suffered with my many diagnoses and many med changes, doctor changes, and therapist changes. I’m finally at a place where I feel like my therapy is going well and I’m seeing improvement. I am feeling positive about what the future holds, even though it’s scary and the days vary between yellow and dark dark gray. I’m hoping sharing my experiences will be healing for both myself and you.
I apologize in advance that my stories will not be chronological. I’ll share them as they come up in my head and as they control my own mood and feelings each day. As I write, I realize that today has been a good day. I got a lot of work done, I saw a friend for lunch, and I get to spend the evening with my family. Still, those thoughts of ideation never leave my head. It’s constant. But I know I’ll get through it. I have an amazing tribe to help me when I need it. And you do, too.
Thank you for taking a moment to read this small introduction. Please let me know if there’s anything specific you’d like to know. Until tomorrow, hugs. Just Keep Going!